Direct from: The Unemployment Office

+ Greetings!

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 23:38:26 -0400

This blog is now defunct. It will stay active for my own reference but I would like you to invite you to A Tripod’s Quest.

Still me but with a stronger focus on my current pursuit as a professional journalist and an all-round nutcase.

But seriously, give it a look. It’ll be worth your time.

Cheers,

Christian P. Bryant

"Oh boy, hush! Ain’t nobody thinking about you. That lil’ bit of breast bothers you??"

Thu, 04 Nov 2010 01:09:06 -0400

“Oh boy, hush! Ain’t nobody thinking about you. That lil’ bit of breast bothers you??”

- Grandma’s response after I requested she button her night gown before I entered her quarters

The Master List of Hangover Remedies

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 23:26:16 -0400

For the Morehouse College and Spelman College 2010 Homecoming-goers.

Let’s make memories … then forget all about them.

In Esquire magazine’s Spring 2010 edition of The Big Black Book, writers compiled articles and information from all over to provide gentlemen with “knowledge and skills to care for [their] clothes, protect [their] bodies, win over women, and cure a hangover.”

Thanks to the unflagging zeal of Frankie Thaheld, mixologist, and Mitch Earleywine, associate professor of psychology at the University of Albany, “The Master List of Hangover Remedies” was born. Although this list will be seldom referenced, it’s good to know that these things exist.

Drink responsibly, but if you don’t, give these cures a shot!

BEER:

The Symptoms — The grains and yeast contained in beer lead to bloating and diarrhea.

The Remedy — Alka-Seltzer Plus. The carbonation soothes your nausea, while the aspirin takes care of the headache.

RED WINE:

The Symptoms — The tannins lead to sharp, migraine-esque headaches.

The Remedy — Gatorade and aspirin. The aspirin eases headaches while the Gatorade helps replace the fluids you’ve lost around the brain.

WHITE WINE:

The Symptoms — The sugar content in some white wines can trigger dehydration and headaches.

The Remedy — Rehydrating with some water over the course of the day and an ibuprofen for the headache.

DARK LIQUORS:

The Symptoms — These contain congeners, substances that when metabolized can lead to intense nausea.

The Remedy — A whiskey and lemonade (preferably with homemade lemonade). Lemon stimulates digestion while whiskey decreases withdrawel symptoms. Or: See Red Wine.

CARBONATED MIXED DRINKS:

The Symptoms — The carbonation causes you to absorb the alcohol faster and increases the likelihood of dehydration.

The Remedy — See Red Wine.

Additional Links: “Have Fun, but Don’t Get Loko” by Jarred Hill and “Rules of Engagement: A Male’s Guide to Homecoming” by 2.0

Additional Notes: Granger, David . “The Master List of Hangover Remedies.” Esquire: The Big Black Book Spring 2010: 111. Print.

"Love you, boys. Do smart things. Don’t do dumbass things."

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 18:09:23 -0400

“Love you, boys. Do smart things. Don’t do dumbass things.”

- Mom bestowing her well wishes upon my brother and I

Filing for Unemployment: A Story of Disappointment

Sat, 16 Oct 2010 12:20:51 -0400

I’ve always said that Greensboro, NC does wonders for the psyche. It is stark in comparison to my previous location and this place is one that is near to my heart. The solace of vibrant foliage and (mostly) quaint inhabitants is second-to-none and it allows one to effectively clear one’s head. Unfortunately the old adage has held true: An empty mind is the Devil’s workshop. Currently, my mind is as blank as the stares on Tony Heyward’s face about two months ago.

It is no secret amongst my family and friends that I am highly susceptible to peer pressure. In this particular instance, I fell victim to my uncle’s influence; thus, me going through the process of filing for unemployment.

According to the September 2010 reports gathered by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the percent of the labor force that is unemployed is around 9.2. As of August, North Carolina’s percentage was above the national average at 9.7. These numbers have remained above 8 percent since the bottom fell out of the U.S. economic system in mid-2008.

Left alone with my uncle in front of a computer with reliable internet access, I began to file my claim for Unemployment Insurance Benefits. I thought to myself, I had a job, so I should get paid! Right?

It’s funny how you get that creepy feeling when you know you aren’t supposed to be doing something, but doing it anyway. As I started completing the fields that required necessary information, I felt a slight chill in the room. Suddenly, a large hand gripped my shoulder. Then I noticed another hand violently pointing at the computer screen. Behind me came a booming voice that exclaimed, “Hurry up before ya momma get home! Damn, boy!”

Just my uncle being encouraging.

My mouth began to salivate as I finished filing my claim and proceeded to the “Estimate” page. At this point, my uncle was slowly pacing behind me trying to guess how much I would receive. The screen finished loading and the estimate read: $0.00.

Blown.

Amidst all of my excitement, I failed to read the “Eligibility Requirements” section that explicitly detailed the criteria to receive benefits. The most important bullets being two that stated:

You must have been employed
You must be determined to be unemployed through no fault of your own as defined under North Carolina law

As it turns out, you have work to be able to file for unemployment. Like, real job work. My intermittent serving at a local restaurant between school semesters didn’t exactly qualify me for those stimulus dollars. How ironic?

Lesson learned.

Additional Links:

The Employment Security Commission of North Carolina

North Carolina Unemployment Insurance Benefits

Ran across this video while stalking my sister on Facebook. ...

Mon, 11 Oct 2010 09:56:14 -0400

Ran across this video while stalking my sister on Facebook. Times have changed but it’s good to see that shows like Sesame Street have kept pace.

Showtime, Grover! Give us your best Isaiah Mustafa impersonation!

"What the hell I need to see that for? I don’t take his ass down the jailhouse and say..."

Mon, 04 Oct 2010 22:14:01 -0400

“What the hell I need to see that for? I don’t take his ass down the jailhouse and say ‘This is a jailhouse,’ do I?”

- Dad (attorney) commenting on my uncle leaving a kitchen appliance disassembled to show his progress

"Wanda, you let these kids run all over you with a double-wheeled truck!"

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 20:55:08 -0400

“Wanda, you let these kids run all over you with a double-wheeled truck!”

- Grandma to Mom after (inaccurately) imitating complaints from my siblings and I

This is what you call a mean green! I snapped a picture of...

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 20:40:17 -0400

This is what you call a mean green! I snapped a picture of this “mouth-watering” concoction during an anti-racism workshop on last week. The bearer of this healthy shake mentioned that although the pungent “mowed-grass aroma” may be a bit deterring, it serves as a great “early morning pick-me-up.” The aftertaste was still unforgiving.

Here are the ingredients:

Spinach — vitamin A, vitamin K, iron, calcium; protects against osteoperosis, heart disease, colon cancer, etc. (whfoods.com)
Broccoli — good source of vitamin C and calcium; contains anti-cancer and anti-viral properties (mercola.com)
Carrots — high fiber content, vitamin A, potassium; helps with improving eyesight and reduces risk of stroke (organicfacts.net)
Celery — rich in vitamin C, calcium, amino acids; good for immune system and reduces both blood pressure and cholesterol (organicfacts.net)
Cucumbers — potassium, high fiber, vitamin C; aids in reducing blood pressure (peertrainer.com)
Apples — the only silver lining in this cup o’ mush

Preparation varies but to achieve optimal results, be sure to blend ingredients until it looks like the stuff above.

"Keep feeding the dog grapes and she gone have the shits. She’s gonna be shittin’..."

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 23:20:00 -0400

“Keep feeding the dog grapes and she gone have the shits. She’s gonna be shittin’ everywhere. If she shit in the house, i’mma come get yo’ lil’ ass and make you clean it up.”

- Grandma on the family dog’s health

A neat little invention that is taking the world by storm. Click here or die.

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 23:17:17 -0400

A neat little invention that is taking the world by storm. Click here or die.

Church Fashion 2010

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 01:03:00 -0400

Lithonia, GA — The allegations made against prominent televangelist Bishop Eddie Long have proven to be simply jaw-dropping. In a context where accusations of child-molesting clergymen are periodic (see CNN Special: What the Pope Knew), each new victim that steps forward succeeds in being a novel-esque shocker.

Even so, it’s interesting to me that people have failed to credit Bishop Long with something that eludes the untrained eye — his sense of style.

I’m unsure as to how predominantly white and non-denominational congregations dress for Sunday morning worship, but the black church has always displayed fashion worthy of notice …

… For better or for worse.

Let’s take a look at a few photographs: SLIDESHOW — PREZI.com

"They always put that slut Tracy with the black athletes … oh wait, her name is Cheryl."

Mon, 27 Sep 2010 00:00:00 -0400

“They always put that slut Tracy with the black athletes … oh wait, her name is Cheryl.”

- Sister on Dancing with the Stars

A Message to the Conscious Shopper

Sat, 25 Sep 2010 02:39:00 -0400

A recent study has been conducted regarding oblivious shoppers and their apparent victimization at the hands of kiosk vultures. This term may be unfamiliar to most (everybody) but we have all seen them; the seemingly innocent salesmen and women who are selling some amazing new product. Whether it be a cordless steamer for your wrinkly dress clothes or a miraculous skin-care product or a miniature curling iron, you should not be fooled by these swindlers nor should you be caught off guard by their appealing sales tactics.

There are several ways to identify these individuals:

1. Broken English

2. Provocative clothing

3. A need for attention or a want to touch

4. A request for “a moment of your time”

5. Weave (not the black girl kind but the good stuff)

Be advised that these salesmen and women are extremely dangerous and have been known to coerce shoppers into splurge expenditures resulting in a deep remorse for product purchases. In the most extreme cases, shoppers have died (though not necessarily from their ridiculous purchases).

To avoid thesepredators, shoppers should know to:

1. Walk with purpose,

2. Keep eyes affixed on the path straight ahead,

3. Clutch belongings with “kung-fu grip,” and

4. Feign tourettes, if necessary

You’ve been warned.

Pleasant exchange between Grandmother and Grandson

Fri, 24 Sep 2010 00:00:00 -0400

Me: "Grams, lemme have a ritz cracker."

Grams: "Take these two."

M: "But I only want one."

G: "You put your hand on both of them so take both. I seen you with your hands in your pants."

M: "Whaat?!"

G: "I ain't eatin' nothin' from nobody with dirty hands!"